I want to dedicate this post to all my single mommies. The girls who have discover the true meaning of unconditional love. The purest love of them all the toughest love yet a lifetime lasting love. The love you have for your child started since your little one was in your womb. I mean you can all recall the day you felt your baby move in your belly for the very first time right?! That moment changed everything for me. It seemed like all my worries all the stressing of how the hell I was gonna raise a child when I felt like I was child myself seemed to disappeared. I touched my belly and felt her kick and busted out crying. That little kicked somehow gave me hope. Sometimes that is all you need in desperate times, even if its a glimpse of a tiny little bit of light.
Everyone has a different story of the day they found out they were preggers! There where many choices you could have taken. Whatever the circumstances that you were up against you decided to keep going and you decided to become a mom. I had just turned 20 when I found out I was pregnant and I was not married and it was not planned. I was scared I knew my parents will be disappointed. How could this happend how could this be happening to me!? How am I gonna provide for this child? What about my plans to live in Spain? Be a hairdresser in the most prestigious salons in Europe. Travel the world? Be free! I didn't want to be pregnant and I didn't want to be a mom. I wasn't ready to be a mom. I was still trying to figure out how to set up a banking account for crying out loud!
Yet I decided to just say "well Im obviously gonna take the longer road to where ever I want to go, so ready or not mommyhood here we come!"
I can lie and tell you everything was so perfect after I made the "right choice", but see thats not what I want my blog to be about. I want to share this part of my life to inspire single moms but also educate younger girls about the hardships of unplanned pregnancies. Its so tough that some girls just get stuck and literally have a life of regrets which leads to poor decisions. They end up bringing a poor child in the world who will now suffer the consequences of a lost soul. A soul who in the mist of it all lost herself because she didn't plan to give up everything for another being. She lost herself and is causing a ripple in todays world problems.
Let me start with the fact that in the beginning I did not enjoyed being pregnant. I had braces and getting dirty looks out in public because I straight up look like a 15 year old teen mom, was something that I never got use to. I couldnt stand the fact that I was now your typical young latina pregnant girl. I fit the stereo type so damn well! So many nights I cried myself to sleep not knowing what the future was gonna be like. There was one night I considered running away in some single moms shelter in another state. The shame of being pregnant in my family was too much to bear. I wanted to truly disappear. I wanted to dig up a hole and bury myself and my shame. I wanted to wake up from the nightmare that for some reason I couldn't wake up from.
So this went on for pretty much my whole pregnancy. There was only a couple of days that I remember where they were truly the happiest while pregnant. The moments of hope. The day I found out I was having a little girl, the day she first kick, the day I picked out her name "Miah Karina". All this little moments gave me strenght for the hardships of 9 long months of pains and aches that my body endured.
The day that changed it all was the day Miah was born. I was induced a monday night and Miah was not born until wednesday morning! Thats right a long ass labor! I didn't expect it to be this hard to be this painful and to have absolutely no control. I cried when everyone will leave my room I will cry cause I was so afraid so scared of it all. The white walls the gadgets all hooked on to me inside of me!!! The pain medicine wearing off. "why cant I just wake up!" Still all this time it didn't feel real. So here I was laying in bed feeling sorry for myself, and my nurse came in. She saw me in tears and she knew they weren't tears of pain but tears of a young naive 20 year old girl who had no idea what has she had gotten herself into.
"You okay?"
"Yeah I just feel uncomfortable... Im little scared too." Then the tears rolled down "Im terrified!" She hug me so tightly! She cried too. "I see girls like you far too often and I can see which ones will make good mothers and which one will sadly not. I see a strong girl and you will love her with all your might. It wont be easy but you are a strong one! You've been here for two days! Anyone will feel terrified! Everything will be okay!"
Sometimes I dream of this nurse and think she was some sort of angel that was sent to give me courage cause I was very close to just literally giving up! Ending it all. The monitor showing miah's little heart beat was showing that miah's heart rate was slowing down. the nurse called my doctor they checked me and they told me to get ready to push. Still this didn't seem real! I panic because I told my nurse I could start feeling the anesthesia wearing off! "You have to calm down and you need to push your baby's heart rate is dropping your baby is at risk now your only concern should be pushing okay!" I nodded. The first real act I truly can recall of feeling like a mother was this one. I endured pain for another being that yet I had not met! Deep inside me all I cared was to do what ever it took to save my baby and if it meant pain that no book could ever explain of how excruciating it was, I didn't care. I felt it all! The pain was unbearable my anesthesia had completely worn of. But the second my baby was born and started to cry the second the doctor put her on my chest and I held my baby girl for the very first time, the pain seemed to disappeared. I had created a little human who looked like me and instantly needed me. I nurse her and she latched on quite well. I had felt her little heart beat inside of me and now I could phisically touch her tiny little body and call her mine. The hope of a new start. A hope of me not making the same mistakes my parents made. This was now my little family and I was determined to do it right!
Wow Anna! in a matter of two years you made sure you definetely fit the part! Now you are a young latina Single Mom! Great job! Clap for this basic!
In this time frame I grew so much as a woman. I was 22 and learned a lot! What does learning a lot mean? It means I made several mistakes I was growing up while trying to raise a child. Hard shit! All the mistakes I made then helped me be the person I am today.
Be proactive and seek for help. Yes you will be a single mom but you are not a lone and you will need to swallow your pride and ask for help. If you do it right you will need aid just for a couple years and then you should know you will eventually get it all together and have stability again. Its not impossible but it will be hard but guess what?! You are on a road where your goal is to be happy to find true love! There is such thing as that true love.
So set up a goal list of the things you want to improve about yourself and everyday you do something to get to your goals. When you want something you will search you will work and you will achieve it! You will be surprise of how you managed it all. You will then aim for higher goals.
Hoping that this post gives all you single moms and soon to be single mommies courage and hope to aim for happiness despite what society says despite it all! Im here to tell you that you can find love again. You can find love again by improving yourself by raising a child in a loving environment!
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